Paper heart

Interesting as I am sitting cutting cardboard focusing on tapeing the edges clean tapeing them, peice by peice you are watching me. I am singing along to the radio trying not to notice, but after two tequilla my face is turning red. Your wife to be is with you and so is your famliy and yet, yet , yet. I still feel your gaze. And so you come over and open a beer for me. I am so full of energy I could burst. It seems to radiate forth from me-this beautiful confident energy. I am a queen and you know it. I am unobtainable and you know it. Alcohol makes you vulernable with your feelings your trying so desperately not to show. But your energy says it all. You want me because you know Im powerful. Because you know I'm not bound to you nor anyone or anything. You want me because you long to be free and unattached . And so, after a light meal of conversation, you drown yourself with more alchohol, to dilute the fact. THAT fact. You and the rest of this pathetic world, myself included. Truth is Id do the same. Truth is that Id be caught in the act too. Why dont we both just come clean and get this over with?It's my ego I have to deal with not you.

Bandaids and Brimstone

And so he cut himself-accidently of course, or wittnessed himself bleeding .shards of self hatred and shame came welling up. Dark Catholic dogma, waves of guilt manifesting themselves. And so we looked for a bandaid, I gingerly handing one to him, careful for it not to spread, heaven forbid it should spread, this dark dirty secret. A wall of repressed sexuality, of shame. That is what it is like for some, and this is how they interact with our white washed world, the black sheep are now grazing the feild but always on watch for the wolves, they howl endlessly throughout the night, there eyes always watching, salvating between the trees of white birch, waiting for there chance to take one down. Blood is thicker then water.

Deep Purple

Tonight I went to Baker Street to get a sub sandwich. The air was thick and I could feel it pressing down, this dense thick air, wanting so desperately for it to rain ..waiting. and then it did for a few minutes with purple lightning for extra effect. Today I shared a joint with someone who is HIV positve, my fingers were full of paint and I was dehydrated from the coffee and the dense thick humidity of his appt. I wondered what it would be like to live for ten years knowing you had this virius, wondering and waiting for some kind of sign...any kind of sign. Purple lightning. And then there it is. it is everything and yet its nothing...but it means a whole lot- at least for the moment, doesnt it?what if this was the purpose right here right now? this Fragility, this fleeting moment flickering across the sky just enough for us to remember, but it goes oh so fast. And the memory of it is even far more beautiful.